Why Seek Out Gay Relationship Counseling?

Many queer people seek out gay couples therapy because the relationship that they have with their partner isn’t what they want it to be. While gay couples face the same struggles that all couples face, some gay relationship problems are unique to queer people. As a gay therapist, I work with many queer couples who have asked the question, “How do I have a successful gay relationship?” Many times, I think we all ask ourselves, are our problems common or are we alone in this? Here are some common gay couple problems that my clients had when they started gay couples therapy. 

Communication 

Most all gay couples who are seeking out couples counseling state that they have a problem communicating, it might seem like you have the same fight day after day, but the topic of the fight changes. You each fall into a role during an argument, and many times, the way you communicate in disagreements leads you from discussing one topic to another, where you never seem to resolve anything. You know that you both love each other, but do not know how to stop fighting and improve your communication. 

Affairs, Infidelity, and Open Relationship Issues 

While some view queer people as sexually promiscuous, our sexuality is a part of our identity. Many gay couples explore nontraditional relationships from threesomes to polyamory to open relationships. Many couples struggle with navigating how to have a fulfilling sex life without damaging the relationship. For some couples, seeking a nontraditional relationship comes as a response to a breach of trust. Sometimes a violation of trust can occur through flirting at a club, downloading apps, or engaging in a hidden sexting relationship with your partner.  Working through these struggles, from the breach of trust to navigating an open relationship, can create a high level of conflict, and many gay couples with whom I have worked are on the verge of ending their relationship because they don’t know how to work through these issues. 

Intimacy

At the beginning of your relationship, your sex life was great, yet with time, sex has shifted within your relationship. Maybe you have a sexless gay relationship and are thinking of opening the relationship up. Or one partner is unable to perform sexually, or you both have different sexual needs that are not getting met. From STI to talking about what a healthy sex life is. It can be a struggle to talk about sex. Many couples who seek out counseling want to have an improved sex life that includes more than just sex, and it includes developing deeper physical and emotional intimacy. 

Not Out of the Closet, Homophobia, and Family Rejection 

Dating someone who is in the closet or not fully out creates a different level of struggles for the relationship. I have heard many clients say My boyfriend or girlfriend is not comfortable holding my hand in public. She won’t tell her co-workers about me, or he won’t tell his family about me. Learning to navigate feelings of keeping the relationship a secret is essential for forming a stronger partnership. Sometimes it’s facing homophobia from our political climate to internal homophobia. Many gay couples struggle with managing family relationships and their romantic relationship. While accepting in theory, they might not accept your partner, or they say things like “I don’t want you to rub it in our face.” All of these aspects of living in the gay community will affect your relationship. 

Common and Uncommon Problems 

Finding a gay friend therapist is essential to work with all of the problems above and other issues that happen in relationships. From figuring out how to maintain a healthy relationship, to how we define our family’s roles in chores, to raising children, and the influx of religion in our lives. All of these life events can create outside influences that negatively impact your relationship. 

You’re Not Alone 

No matter if the problems you are facing are listed above or not, you are feeling the effects of a problem in your relationship. We come from a straight world, with heterosexual friends and family. We see our straight parents and straight relationships in the media. Seeing so many straight relationships can make you feel alone in your couple problems. Most of us never learned what a healthy gay relationship is, and don’t know how to even have one. Many times these problems create d and hopeless in your relationship. These feelings of disconnection from each other are something that most couples experience, yet you do not have to live with any of these problems. You can learn to reconnect to each other. 

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How Does Gay Couples Counseling Help?

When you feel disconnected from your boyfriend, you may experience numbness and hopelessness. The first step in reconnecting is to learn how to stop the hurtful form of communication. Almost every couple I have ever worked with does not have a communication problem; they have an emotional understanding problem. When they can stop their hurtful cycle that creates disconnection, they are then able to share deeper emotions that drivea stronger connection. Gay couples counseling is not about discovering rules or learning new tools to stop fighting. Relationships improve when individuals find a deeper connection by developing safer ways to discuss important issues and learn how to be more emotionally connected to their partner. 

Learning New Dance

I help couples learn to understand the problems that have formed over time. These problems are not 100% one person’s fault. Relationship problems are like a negative dance you have developed with each other.

• Your partner criticizes you – 1st dance move.
• So you withdraw – 2nd dance move.
• Your partner becomes increasingly hostile towards you, yelling and saying hurtful things – 3rd dance move.

Maybe you have more dance moves in your dance. But what happens at the end of the dance is that you both end up feeling alone, disconnected, and hopeless.

In therapy, you learn to understand these old dance moves. Where did they come from, and why do you have them? Working together, we discover how to have a new dance move that drives connection.

Not You, Not Me, But We 

During therapy, couples can develop a deeper connection and heal the wounds that have developed throughout their relationship. Each of you will also learn to understand how your past influences you and affects your relationship. You and your partner will learn how to form a new, stronger bond that is built on understanding your deeper emotional needs. Each of you will be able to express these emotions safely and healthily, developing deeper intimacy and vulnerability with one another. 

Possible Reservation About Therapy 

Sharing aspects of your relationship can be very scary and not something easy to commit to. Many clients I have worked with voice their reservations about the therapy process, here are some common reason why gay men might avoid couples counseling. 

Is it too late for us? 

Maybe your problem seems too big to solve, and your feelings of hopelessness have increased. I have worked with many couples who are ready to call it quits and walk away from their relationship. If you both want to try but aren’t sure where to start, couples counseling is an option for you. Therapy requests work, but repair does happen. It’s okay to feel hopeless and not know where to turn. You can still hold onto those feelings and start the process of therapy. Once in therapy, those feelings will become less and less as you grow closer together. 

Will you understand our problems?

As a therapist, I work individually with clients to address their unique challenges. I have personal experience with some of the difficulties that can arise in relationships. This background allows me to better understand the common issues that couples may face. While each relationship is distinct, many challenges often stem from similar underlying problems, such as feelings of disconnection and insecurity. I feel honored to be in a profession where I can help individuals and couples work towards healing and improvement in their relationships.

We’ve already tried so much. Why will this work?

When you can come into a room and start to face your problem openly, something happens. You can view your behavior and emotions in a new light, and for most couples, this is when they begin to learn new things about their partner in therapy. This new information, along with some education and guidance from a trained therapist, will help you try something you have never tried before. 

Reconnect Now 

You can start rebuilding and reconnecting with your partner today. If you have questions for any of our therapists on staff, contact us below, or book directly with one of our queer-affirming couples therapists. If you would like to learn more about common issues facing the LGBT community, please check out our LGBT Blog by clicking here.