After The Affair
If you are reading this, we are sorry that you are going through a betrayal right now. You more than likely have found this page because you just discovered that your partner is or has been having an affair. For most of our clients who find out about their partner having an affair, it feels like their world has changed–like the floor has dropped out from beneath them.
Anxiety after infidelity is common, from experiencing racing thoughts, to having questions upon questions, and that even when you get answers to the questions, those answers are not satisfying. Maybe you go from feelings of deep sadness and crying to fits of anger and rage. If you are not feeling anxiety from finding out about the affair, you could be experiencing depression after infidelity. You might even be wanting to push down all of your feelings so you can just make it through the day.
Surviving An Affair
You might be asking yourself that question, “how do I survive after an affair?” From the moment you find out about the infidelity, it feels like your life has changed forever. The feelings of pain, hurt, and betrayal seem to be so strong one moment, yet some time passes, then it returns again. You might be asking yourself questions such as, “can relationships survive infidelity?” “how do I get over infidelity pain?” or “can my marriage survive infidelity?” These are just some of the questions that might be running through your mind. Many partners who are dealing with these questions might also find themselves wanting more closeness to their partner, from wanting to know everywhere they go, everything they do on their phone/computer/etc., and wanting to be more physically connection from sex to just physical closeness.
Relationship Trauma or Betrayal Trauma
The result of a loved one hurting us profoundly is typically called relationship trauma or betrayal trauma. This type of injury usually happens when one partner secretly turns to someone else for comfort. The overwhelming nature of relationship trauma makes usual coping strategies no longer work. The relationship has become a source of danger rather than a source of safety. Finding out about the trauma of infidelity can create a loss of a sense of self, changing your identity, security,
Infidelity counseling can make affair recovery possible.
Healing From Infidelity
Clients who seek affair therapy with us can reconstruct marriages after the trauma of infidelity. Seeking affair counseling is not a short-term fix or something you try for a few sessions. It is a structured approach to help heal from infidelity. Clients who come to couples counseling first start to work on the intensity of the emotions that come with the discovery of the affair. With the help of a therapist, both partners learn to express the pain, hurt, sadness, and shame that comes with healing infidelity.
Healing after betrayal takes time, and both partners must do work to help heal. The unfaithful partner must learn to hold the pain of the hurting partner, by showing up in their partner’s life in new ways. The hurt partner will learn how to deal with infidelity and learn to identify what physical and emotional needs must be met to start to feel safe again. For some of our clients, these beginning stages of therapy happen in just a few sessions, while others it takes much longer. However, clients who are committed to repairing their relationship will find that symptoms of the betrayal trauma are lessened over time.
Infidelity Recovery Stages
Our clients learn about the stages of infidelity recovery. Learning about the different types of affairs that can happen including repeated infidelity and how painful emotional infidelity is. Once a level of safety can be established the couple can move into looking at the cycle connection and disconnection. Couples learn about their blueprint of disconnection (fighting, arguing, etc). The content of the blueprint changes but the blueprint of how you disconnect stays the same. Both partners will learn to limit moments of disconnection and discover new ways to drive meaningful emotional connections with each other.
The Last Stage of How to Deal With Infidelity
Couples who have achieved emotional safety, have rebuilt trust, and learn how to make a meaningful emotional connection with each other will move towards the ending stages of affair therapy. Couples will learn how to forgive infidelity. The hurt partner can learn to forgive infidelity without ignoring the hurt of the affair. The hurt partner will learn to hold the pain and help create safety. The couple then moves into developing a healthy, long lasting relationship that is more connected physically and emotional than ever before in the relationship.
Common Reasons People Avoid Affair Therapy
We have seen many reasons why people avoid coming to affair therapy. Below are some of the common reasons we hear for avoiding.
Why stay married after betrayal?
- I’ve always told myself (and everyone else in my life) that if I were in a relationship where my partner had an affair, I would leave. We have heard this from many hurt partners that we work with. We have even heard, “I left every other relationship when someone had an affair, but this one seems so hard to leave.” There is never just one reason why you will want to stay and repair with your partner. It is hard work; it is painful work. But we have seen many couples who find that healing the pain of infidelity through affair therapy has provided them with a healthier, happier relationship.
Can a marriage work after an affair?
- Marriage can work after finding out about an affair. Marriage is a commitment to be there for your partner. No matter the reason why the affair took place both partners can learn how to make a healthier marriage. Many couples will avoid thinking or talking about the affair, but the hurt will linger on and come back at some point in the relationship if you do not address it. Clients who we have worked with will not just heal the hurts of the affair but will leave affair therapy having a healthier, marriage than ever before.
Why seek out a counselor who specializes in infidelity?
- While all marriage and family therapists can work with couples who have experienced infidelity, seeking a counselor specializing in infidelity will lead to more profound healing. Many therapists might use their own judgments about infidelity when treating it. At Richer Life Counseling we specialize in helping relationships heal from infidelity. We do more than just giving out infidelity worksheets and talking about the affair. Couples will learn to access what led to the breach of trust and how to safeguard their relationship from any future breaches of trust.
Therapy just seems too expensive! Isn’t there a book or something we can do to heal?
- Reading relationship books about infidelity is very important in healing and reading our relationship blog can be helpful also. While some couples can access deep feelings and learn to heal by reading or doing infidelity worksheets, what we have found is that alone, that does not work. Most of us need help from a trusted professional who specifically helps couples heal from infidelity.
Recover From
An Affair Today
It is never too late to start to recover your relationship from the trauma of an affair. We are accepting new clients and would love to answer any questions that you have about affair therapy. You can contact us here, or book a session by hitting the appointment request below.