There’s a long-standing joke that therapists are always asking their clients, “How does that make you feel?” and frankly, I do often ask my clients that question because it’s necessary. In asking them how they feel, they are asked to examine their emotions and become more aware. I have even had clients respond, “Wow, no one has ever asked me how I felt.” If you’re thinking you can relate to not understanding emotions, you’re not alone. Often, I’ll ask a client this important question and they’ll respond with a thought. I’ll say, “Okay. You’re aware of what you’re thinking and that’s great, but what are you feeling?” It’s not uncommon that I note an uncomfortable shift in body language. Young and old, clients often don’t know what they’re feeling. Sometimes I’ll even hand my client a Feeling Wheel (created by Gloria Willcox). If they can identify and say, “I was sad” the Feeling Wheel can guide through other emotions attached to the sadness they were feeling, for example, they may have also been disappointed and neglected.
Feelings are complex.
It’s not a cut and dry, “I’m mad” or “I’m sad.” Becoming more self-aware can be scary. Being vulnerable enough to share what you’re feeling can also be scary. When a client says they feel mad, some say that’s a primary emotion. When we further discuss the content of what’s caused feelings of anger, we often find out they are also feeling jealousy and resentful, which are tied to the anger and further out on the feeling wheel and considered secondary emotions. In fact, many of my clients will say, “Leslie, we need to get out the feeling wheel so I can figure this out.” Tyler Richer, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, describes primary emotions as softer emotions that require more vulnerability and allow us to ask for our needs to be met whereas secondary emotions typically push others away or used as a way to protect oneself, such as anger. To learn more from Tyler Rich, read his article on primary and secondary emotions.
Effective Communication
If you’re feeling like the people around you simply don’t understand what you’re feeling or why you behave the way you do, it may be that you’re not communicating what you’re feeling in an effective manner. You’re not alone. Many people often use inaccurate language when describing what they feel. I often have clients tell me, “I’m just so depressed.” Upon further exploration, together we discover they have also been feeling anxiety for a very long time. There is an overlap between what is felt by the person struggling with both anxiety and depression.
Anxiety & depression over laps includes:
- Excessive worrying
- Difficulty sleeping
- Difficulty focusing, concentrating or making decisions
- Restlessness
- Frustration
- Irritability
- Physical aches & pains
When people are better able to effectively communicate what they are experiencing in terms of feelings, then they are more likely to have a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, family member, or therapist assist them in processing and managing their emotions. This also helps when one would like to change certain behaviors. A trained therapist can identify patterns of behaviors tied to emotional experiences and can help clients change or eliminate unwanted behaviors. A good example is that of emotional eating. Do you find yourself turning to food to comfort an unpleasant emotion and probably not recognize that’s what you’re doing?
Understanding Feelings
Understanding how we’re feeling allows us to more effectively express our needs and how they can be met. For example, “I feel sad. I need a hug.” “I feel confused. I need to understand.” As the listener, pay close attention to what the other person is saying about their feelings. In doing so, you can gain a greater understanding of their perspective and have empathy. Empathy is different from sympathy. Don’t listen to your partner with the hope of “fixing them” or “fixing the problem.” Hear their needs.
Core or Primary Emotions
Paul Ekman identified six basic emotions:
- anger
- disgust
- fear
- happiness
- sadness
- surprise
Robert Plutchik identified eight, which he grouped into four pairs of polar opposites:
- Joy-sadness
- Anger-fear
- Trust-distrust
- Surprise-anticipation
Let’s examine anger. Anger is easy to see. It might look like this:
- Loud voice with a sharp tone
- Swearing
- Glaring eyes
- Narrowed eyebrows
- Tight lips
- Breathing heavily
- Clenched fists and jaw
- Finger-pointing
- Reddened skin
This visual cue (body language) says, “get out of my way!” It’s okay to get angry. We all get angry at some point in our lives, but unmanaged anger hurts relationships and can lead to feelings of guilt and shame. It helps to understand why you’re angry.
Anger Iceberg
As we’ve come to learn about icebergs, there is a large mass of ice beneath the surface of the tip. We only see the tip but that large mass still exists and submerged beneath the surface of the water. Anger has been known to be “just the tip of the Iceberg.” Has anyone ever said to you, “you seem so angry all the time” and it may be that you’re angry but what’s beneath the surface may be that you feel disrespected, disappointed, rejected. This is why some say that anger is a secondary emotion in response to a primary (beneath the surface) emotion. Being able to get in touch with what’s beneath the surface on your Anger Iceberg, helps you better explain what you’re feeling. You’re not just an angry person all the time. You’re a person having an emotional experience. The Anger Iceberg image is an excellent visual of this examination of emotions.
In Kyle Benson’s blog “The Anger Iceberg”, he describes anger as a protector for more raw emotions. As mentioned earlier, when we can understand our emotions–asking, “just what is it I’m feeling?” you are better able to respond versus reacting to distressing situations. This is important because reacting, such as lashing out, leads to a need to repair relationships.
Whether you review anger as a secondary emotion or a primary emotion, the important thing is to recognize what you’re feeling, discover why you’re feeling it, and learn how to manage the experience of negative emotions. If you’re struggling with emotional issues or recognizing that your relationships are struggling due to emotional issues and would like to seek the help of a trained therapist, call me today.
Contact us today by calling or texting 702-518-1546, email, or booking a session by hitting the appointment request button. We can normally get you into a session within 24 or 48 hours.
We offer both online therapy (learn more about online therapy here) and in-person therapy at our Las Vegas office. Our office is located in West Las Vegas right off the 95 & Rainbow. Our address is 222 S. Rainbow Boulevard | Suites 113-114 |Las Vegas NV 89145
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