Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse

We all want a happy, healthy connected relationship with our partners; however, we sometimes find ourselves disconnected. When we are in our cycle of disconnection, we can make the disconnection worse by our behaviors. Dr. John Gottman found that if your relationship demonstrates any of the four following behaviors your relationship will not last. Luckily he discovered that you could repair your relationship from these behaviors. He calls these four behaviors the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse and these are four behaviors that destroy relationships.

The four horsemen are disastrous ways of interacting that sabotage attempts to communicate with a partner. The four horsemen block your ability to use healthier ways to reconnect with each other. Below is the list of what the four horsemen are and how to stop this toxic relationship behavior. You and your partner might not display all the horsemen, or you might do some, and they might do some. No matter if only one is present in your relationship or all of them. You must stop them before you can reconnection in a healthy way.

Four Horsemen: Criticism

• Invites defensiveness
• Involves attacking someone’s personality or character rather than a specific behavior
• Includes a negative comment about something you wish were true
• Criticism normally involves blame

Criticism is not complaining. Complaining is expressing, frustration, disappointment, disagreement about a specific action or behavior and not a character attack. Complaining is healthy in a relationship because you are expressing what your needs are.

Criticism – “You should have done the dishes, You know I wanted them done before I got home.”

Complaining – “I asked you to do the dished, and I am disappointed they are not done.”

The Antidote To Criticism

Begin with your own needs:

• I need you to do this…..
• I wanted to go out to dinner.
• I need more connection.

Use a gentle startup; this is when you can share your wants and needs without attacking, or being hostile to your partner.

Focus your conversation on your own needs, and how the topic is affecting you.

Four Horsemen: Contempt

• When you intend to insult and psychologically abuse your partner.
• You tend to forget your partner’s positive qualities.
• There is an immediate decay of admiration.

When you are showing contentment you will do the following in some way:

• Insults and name calling.
• Hostile humor.
• Mockery – using words or action to make fun of your partner.
• Body language – smirk, rolling of the eyes.

Scarasim is veiled contempt. I am a recovering sarcastic person, so this was hard for me to hear when I learned about this. Scarasim is toxic to relationships and is a way to show contempt towards your partner. When you are sarcastic, you are not owning your feelings and sharing them. Scarasim is a passive aggressive way to not connect to your partner.

The Antidote To Contempt

Own your feelings and needs.

Do not describe what your partner does or doesn’t do, instead share what you need them to do for your needs to be met. Do not demand that they meet your needs but ask them to meet your needs.

View your arguments as a cycle of disconnection, your frustration, irritation, anger is not at your partner but at the cycle, you find yourself in.

Four Horsemen: Defensiveness

• When you feel victimized by the other.
• You are not willing to set things right or take responsibility for your part of the cycle.
• Defensiveness obstructs communication.
• You will feel stuck because you do not understand each other’s perspective.
• Defensiveness is you protect yourself.
• Defensiveness is a natural way to respond to criticism or neutral complaints.

You or your partner might be sensitive to neutral complaints because of your past. If you have perfectionism tendance, you most likely are very sensitive to complaints and will take them as personal attacks. You both have to be aware of this tendency and learn to meet in the middle when this sensitive comes up.

Signs You Are Defensive

Denying Responsibility: You will not acknowledge your part you play in the cycle. When you think the argument, disconnection is all your partner’s fault.

Making Excuses: You will justify, use logic to say why you did what you did, and in doing so ignore your partner’s needs.

Disagreeing With Negative Mind Reading (Second Guessing): You might say something like “that is not what you want, you want me to do this.” You will ignore what your partner says and imply something else.

Cross-Complaining: Your partner has a complaint, and you point out a complaint yourself, so you do not have to own your behaviors.

Yes, Butting: When your partner makes a point, and you say yes, followed by saying butt then listing your issues. Making your partner feel invalid and like you do not need care about their feelings.

Repeating Yourself: When you say the same thing over and over.

Body Language: Rolling eye, looking away, cleaning, when you focus your energy on something else but tell your partner “I’m listening.”

The Antidote To Defensiveness

Don’t see your partner’s words as attacking but as information strongly expressed. If open and receptive when defensiveness is expected partner is less likely to criticize.

Take responsibility.

Four Horsemen: Stonewalling

• Trying to be neutral.
• Any type of “shutting down.”
• Conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness.
• Can include self-medicating with alcohol/drugs, workaholism, physical ailments.
• This can be not engaging in a conversation when your partner is talking.
• Walking away by leaving the house, room.
• Staying on your phone, computer while you are having a conversation.

The Antidote To Stonewalling

Use the repair mechanism focus on underlying emotion, not content. (You can learn more about how to stay out of content, and figure out the underluing emtions here – coming soon)

Make sure you are physiological self-soothing. Think of the things that you need to do to clam yourself down.

The langue of self-soothing in conflict converstations

• Please let me Finnish….
• We are getting off topic….
• That hurt my feelings…..
• We need to take a break to calm down; 
• we can finish talking about it in (set a time to return).

To learn more about the four horsemen read Dr. John Gottmans book The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work or check out my book review. If your relationship has any of this 4 horseman, please give me a call today to learn how to stop this cycle of disconnection today is the day to learn the tools from a couples therapist that can help.