The Drama Triangle

Part II Persecuting Drama

This is part II of my four part series on understanding drama in your life. If you have not read part I yet CLICK HERE. In part II of understanding the drama triangle, we are going to understand more about the role of the persecutor in the drama triangle.

Role of The Persecutor

Persecutors tend to blame others and criticize others without providing guidance, assistance or offering a solution to the underlying problem. Prosecutors can be critical and unpleasant. They can deny their own weakness, and focus on the weaknesses and problems of others. Lecturing, preaching, and criticizing with offensive, demeaning or sarcastic comments is how they communicate. Think of a persecutor as patronizing.

The persecutor uses two of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse criticism and contempt. To learn more about the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse click here (link coming in mid-2017) Or check out my book review on Dr. John Gottman’s work 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work.

The reason why the drama triangle works so well to describe the conflict in a relationship is because you might start off in a role but you will not stay there. However, you hold on to a number of tendencies of your starting gate role. Below is an example of what it might look like if you the persecutor in the drama triangle change roles.

Persecutor to Rescuer

Transitioning from persecutor to rescue you hold onto the criticism and contempt yet cover it up with “I’m doing this for you.” You might respond to the conflict as “Your right, I’ll do it this time. Just leave me alone already” as you say it in the sarcastic tone of voice. Maybe you will pretend to care about your partner’s feelings just to shut them up. Or you’ll do a quid pro quo of “I’ll do this for you this one time but you must do this for me.”

Changing from persecutor to rescuer you might tend to have most the power in the conflict.

Persecutor to Victim

When you a persecutor transitions into a victim role you still hold onto the criticism and contempt. You might make helpless statements like “no matter what I do you never think it’s good enough.” Or you might say “Your just too needy and your expectations are too high in this relationship. I can never meet your needs.” You might leave the house in anger or do an active your partner would not like. Going to the bar, out with friends all night, or even have affairs. You might justify the affairs by saying “if my wife wasn’t such a bitch I wouldn’t be doing this.”

As you transition to this role, you keep the hostility yet you do not take responsible for your actions in the conflict.

Persecutor must become a Challanger

If you are the persecutor in the drama triangle and are ready to change you must become a challenger. A challenger is someone who has clear expectations and can set goals for the relationship. When you set goals that must be clearly established and shared without any criticism and contempt. Working with a couples therapist can help you learn how to express these need. You can also use I feel statements (future blog will be written about I feel statements. If you would like to see me write about it sooner leave a commit below)

Boundaries. The most important aspect of any healthy relationship. You must learn to understand what your rules are for yourself within the relationship. (future blog will be written about I feel statements. If you would like to see me write about it sooner leave a commit below)

It will not be easy to spot all the ways you are a prosecutor in the drama triangle. However, if you start to spot this role, ask yourself who do I want to be in this conflict. Even if you have little conflict within your relationship., checking in with a therapist for monthly or bi-monthly couples counseling sessions can help.

This is Part II of my blog post series on What Is The Drama Triangle. Click the following links listed below for the next parts. Links coming in the new few weeks

Part I – What Is The Drama Triangle?
Part III – What Is The Drama Triangle? – Rescuing Drama Park IV – What Is The Drama Triangle? – Drama Victim

If you find yourself in the drama triangle and are ready to stop you can CLICK HERE to start counseling. Please leave a comment below on if you are the victim in the drama triangle.