The Drama Triangle
Part 1
Merriam-Webster states that drama is “a state, situation, or series of events involving an interesting or intense conflict of forces.” All types of conflict can be called drama. From conflict at work to friendship and romantic relationships. When we deal with this type of drama in our lives it can feel like a tornado. Sucking us in and spitting us out. Luckily for us Stephen Karpman, M.D. developed a way to view drama in our lives and he called it the drama triangle. You can learn more about Stephen Karpman by CLICKING HERE.
Over the next few weeks, I am going to be blogging on the different parts of the drama triangle. Not just so you can understand your drama better but learn what role you play. And maybe most important learn how to get out of the drama that might be in your life.
What is the Drama Triangle?
Before diving into what the drama triangle looks like. First, think of any conflict between yourself and someone else. You both will play a role, and your role might change during the conflict. But if no resolution is quick coming, you will end the conflict feeling hopeless and lost. Dr. Karpman’s drama triangle list what is going during the conflict.
3 Types of roles that you can play in the drama triangle
Normally, you will always start off in a particular role. This is sometimes called a starting gate role, or I like to think of it as your on switch. Sometimes these roles can make up how you view yourself and your position in the relationship. These roles are not good or bad they are just ways we fit into conflict. The goal of each of these roles will be to learn to understand why you are in them, and how to change them to limit drama. Theses roles include
Rescuer
Rescuer’s love to help. They can sometimes enable and disable others by doing things for them that they could, & should do for themselves. Rescuers tend to make themselves indispensable to others. Putting other’s needs before their own (my sacrificing relationships or family time to care for others) Feel guilt about saying no. Might even say things like “They won’t get it right away, I might as well do it myself.” Sometimes have the belief that they can ‘fix’ others.
CLICK HERE to learn more about the rescuer role. What the starting gate rescuer looks like if they transition into other roles. Link coming in spring 2017.
Persecutor
Persecutors tend to blame others and criticize others without providing guidance, assistance or offering a solution to the underlying problem. Prosecutors can be critical and unpleasant. They can deny their own weakness, and focus on the weaknesses and problems of others. Lecturing, preaching, and criticizing with offensive, demeaning or sarcastic comments is how they communicate. Think of a persecutor as patronizing.
CLICK HERE to learn more about the persecutor role. What the starting gate persecutor looks like if they transition into other roles.
Victim
Victims are just like the name suggest victims to the drama. They tend to think they are powerless, incapable, helpless and might feel hopeless. Denying their own ability. Victims feel intrinsically defective and want kid glove treatment. When confronted with drama they might feel picked on, and not good enough. Sometimes sabotage others efforts to help. Victims can act like a martyr.
CLICK HERE to learn more about the victim role. What the starting gate victim looks like if they transition into other roles.
How The Drama Triangle Works
Each person in the conflict has a natural starting gate role. Depending on your relationship and your history your starting gate role might differ. My roles differ in my own life because in my marriage I fall into the persecutor role, yet when I think of conflict with my mother I am in the victim role.
No matter what your role, you will interact with each other based on your world view of that role. You can even change roles in the middle of a conflict. I might start off as a victim but turn the tables and become a persecutor. Read the links about each role specifically to learn more about how a victim (starting gate role) persecutor (new role) would act in the drama.
The bottom line is if you play these roles in any drama you will end up feeling hopeless and helpless. Luckily there is good news you can start to learn new ways of changing your starting gate role.
How To End The Drama Triangle
Each role requires a different worldview.
The Rescuer must become a Coach
Learn how to set boundaries with others. This starts with asking yourself the questions can they do this on their own? Only help when it is asked, and when the person asking for help is showing they are trying to do it on their own. Think of a good coach they push, inspire, teach BUT they do not play the game.
CLICK HERE to learn more about the rescuer role can change.
Persecutor must become a Challenger
Setting goals and having clear expectations is key to becoming a challenger. Learning how to set boundaries with others. Along with understanding what your own expectations are and learning how to ask for them directly.
CLICK HERE to learn more about the persecutor role can change.
The victim must become a Survivor
You must learn how to do things on your own. This starts with developing positive self-talk and keeping track of other things you have been successful at. Set strategies to accomplish your goals. Take responsibility for your own actions, wants and needs.
CLICK HERE to learn more about the victim role can change.
This is Part I of my blog post series on What Is The Drama Triangle. Click the following links listed below for the next parts. Links coming in the new few weeks
Part II – What Is The Drama Triangle – Persecuting Drama
Part III – What Is The Drama Triangle – Rescuing Drama
Park IV – What Is The Drama Triangle – Drama Victim
If you find yourself in the drama triangle and are ready to stop you can CLICK HERE to start counseling. Please leave a comment below on if the drama triangle has affected you and your relationships.
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