Infidelity is something that we all know exists. We see it on TV shows, movies, and know of people who have had this painful experience.. Yet if cheating happens (or has happened) in your relationship, do you know what to do? Many of us will say, “ if my partner cheated on me, I would walk away without a thought.” My experiences as a couples therapist have taught me that when an affair happens, you don’t always know how you are going to react. Here are my thoughts on what to do in the first 24 hours after the discovery of an affair.
Discovery Matters
There are 2 pathways infidelity can be discovered within a relationship. How the discovery happens is actually the first step in healing from an affair. How the affair is talked about and what is said at discovery will impact the long term path of affair recovery.
Active Disclosure
This is when the partner who strayed (had an affair) tells their partner proactively about the affair. The partner who strayed takes proactive steps to say I have had an affair and I want to be honest with you about it. While scary for the partner who strayed, this is the first of many, many steps that help build trust because you don’t know how your partner is going to react, yet you are taking proactive steps to start to heal the relationship. When this path to discovery of the affair is made, the partner who strayed generally is taking steps to stop the affair and repair the relationship.
The affair was discovered
This is when the hurt partner found out about the affair, sometimes by finding text messages or email, having the affair partner contact them, having a friend tell them or even seeing the affair with their own eyes. This creates even more pain because the partner who strayed sometimes tends to lie, minimize, and deny the depth of the hurt and pain. What I have found in working with couples healing from affairs is that when the affair is discovered by the hurt partner, it is a long road to recovery.
After Discovery
As soon as the discovery of the affair has happened, both partners will be experiencing anxiety, shame, panic, fear, anger and many other emotional reactions. This is what to do first.
The key is DON’T do too much too soon.
The First 24 Hours
Don’t make emotional decisions.
When the discovery happens, the relationship is in shock and experiencing trauma. This means a major life decision does not need to be made. Having your partner sleep in a different room or a friend’s house are all temporary decisions to help you collect your thoughts and understand your emotions. Filing for divorce, buy a car, moving, the hurt partner going, and sleeping with someone else are all responses to finding out about an affair. These actions do not generally help long term healing and in fact, create more harm to the relationship. I tell my clients that I want them to understand and listen to their mentions, but don’t make an emotional decision.
Make emotional informed decision, not emotional decisions
Write down your questions.
The hurt partner is generally feeling, angry, hurt, sad, confused. They usually don’t understand how the affair could take place. They don’t have all the facts to be able to create a story that helps them work through all the complex feelings that they have. This is where all the questions about the affair start to come from.
- Who is it? How did you meet?
- Did you have sex?
- How many times?
- Where did you have sex?
- Is this the only time you had sex?
- Is this your only affair?
- Do you love them?
The questions will go on and on. All these questions are important and you will need to get an answer to most of them. YET I have seen time after time, the questions asked at the start will create more harm and pain in the long run. Write down all your questions. With the help of a trained professional, you can start to get your questions answered in a way that is transparent and healing.
Order this book.
I tell all my clients who are healing from an affair to get this book and start to read it. The partner who strayed must read it first, followed by the hurt partner. If you are the hurt partner and you are too triggered in reading this book, STOP. You can check out our book resources page on other books that can help you. To read my review and why I think it’s helpful, click here.
Start looking for a therapist.
Find a therapist who specializes in working with infidelity. Many couples therapists don’t always have a road map in helping couples. Healing from an affair requires a therapist who has worked with many couples who have experienced and healed from an affair. Check out our page that talks about how we help clients here in Las Vegas heal from an affair. No matter where you live you will want to find a therapist who has this type of language and experience in working with infidelity.
Keep in mind most therapists have a full schedule and same-day appointments are hard to find. Find the right therapist first. Check out their website and see it’s a fit with your story? If so, schedule a session for the next available (try to get in within the next week)
The HURT partner.
What you are experiencing is valid. You might feel crazy and all over the place. That is ok. You might want your partner close and holding you one second, then you will want your partner out of your sight. You are allowed to ask for that. BE CAREFUL to not let your anger, hurt, and pain rage at your partner. When you try to share your emotions with your partner, they might get defensive or shut down due to shame, thus creating more hurt and pain within yourself. Sometimes not talking and waiting to get into therapy can be the best way to start to heal.
For the partner who strayed.
The work is on you at the start of affair recovery. While both of you will have to do work to not just heal your relationship but transform it into a healthy connected relationship, the beginning stage requires you to show up in many different ways.
Follow through.
If you say you are going to do something, make sure you do it. Consistency in what you say and what you do matter in healing. If you say you are going to find a couples counselor, find four and keep looking until you get into therapy. If you say you’ll sleep on the couch, don’t ask to come back to bed two days later.
Be Honest.
Being transparent and honest is one major key to healing the relationship. But honesty without tact can be cruel. If you tell your hurt partner that your affair partner was hotter and the sex was amazing, that might be true, honest, but it is going to hurt your partner. Saying, “I want to tell you the truth but I think it might hurt you. Can we wait until we talk to our therapist?” I 100% think you need to be honest but find diplomatic ways to share your thoughts.
Patience.
You will answer the same question several times. You will need to be with your partner in their pain. Saying things like, “I love you and you’re right. I did hurt you and I want this to work NO matter what.” Saying this needs to be like a broken record. The more you give your partner reassurance, the quicker healing your relationship.
Healing
Trust is something that can be rebuilt. It takes time and a lot of hard work from both of you to heal your relationship and make your relationship exceptional. Put in your email address below to get our 10 part email series that gives you both a step-by-step guide to healing your relationship. You can also check out our YouTube show on building a Richer Marriage. If you live in Las Vegas and want to get started with healing your relationship from an affair, contact us today.
At Richer Life Counseling we specialize in working with all types of counseling, and all types of relationship problems. Check out our articles on relationships here.
Contact us today by calling or texting 702-518-1546, email, or booking a session by hitting the appointment request button. We can normally get you into a session within 24 or 48 hours.
We offer both online therapy (learn more about online therapy here) and in-person therapy at our Las Vegas office. Our office is located in West Las Vegas right off the 95 & Rainbow. Our address is 222 S. Rainbow Boulevard | Suites 113-114 |Las Vegas NV 89145
- Table Topics - June 25, 2020
- How to Apologize - June 11, 2020
- What is stonewalling? |TheRicher Marriage Show - June 5, 2020