How to Apologize

One of the hardest things that we have to do in a relationship is learning how to apologize. We all avoid sometimes apologizing because we are protecting ourselves from dealing with uncomfortable negative emotions. If you find yourself asking, “I have said sorry. What more do you want me to say?” then there is a good chance that you have not apologized. You have said sorry, but a sincere, connected, emotional apology requires a little bit more than just saying “I’m sorry.” Here are the steps that I tell my clients to follow when learning how to apologize. 

Comfortable and Uncomfortable Emotions

Be sincere. A heartfelt apology can repair a relationship and help you reconnect. You have to be humble, and you must take responsibility for your own actions and look at your part of the situation. This can be very hard to do. You must understand your own emotions and have a high level of empathy. I will link to another article I have written on this topic throughout this article. 

Step 1 In How To Apologize

Be specific. Don’t just say, “I’m sorry.” What are you sorry about? Specify why you are sorry such as name-calling, the lie, the fact you raised your voice, etc. If you are not specific about what you did, you are not apologizing. You are just minimizing by trying to say what you think is the right thing. You might feel justified in your behavior, and maybe you are, BUT is that getting in the way of connecting to your partner? Remember why you love your partner. 

Step 2 In How To Apologize

What Is Empathy?

Be empathic. You must put yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagine how they feel. When you can connect with them and tell them you understand their feelings, and that what they are feeling is ok and valid, you are then opening up the door for healing. 

Step 3 In How To Apologize

What steps are you going to take to change? So far you have been specific in what you did and you have shared how your actions have impacted your partner. Now is when the rubber meets the road; what steps are you going to take to avoid creating this situation again? Do you need to be more transparent? Did you miss an important event or date and need to set a timer so you don’t forget? Ask for help so you can show up for your partner the way they are asking you to. Once you have figured out what steps to take, long term healing happens when you actually take those steps. This is where that saying comes from: actions speak louder than words. 

Both words and actions are essential. If you don’t do step 1 you will be stuck. You must state what the problem was as specific as you can, then understand how it made your partner feel, then say this is what I am going to do differently because I am sorry you are feeling this way. 

Once you have done all that you begin moving into the last stage of how to apologize. 

Step 4 In How To Apologize

Follow up. This is when you need to ask your partner what they need from you during the conversation. Also, keep the lines of communication open with them telling them that if they need to talk to you about this topic in the future, while it’s hard to talk about, you are more than willing to talk with them. You want them to feel safe because you love them. They might know this BUT 100% need to hear it from you over and over again. 

We all experience hurt, pain, anger differently, and we all have different timelines on forgiving and letting something go. You need to honor each other timelines on getting through a situation. I am the type of person that when I am hurting, I get over it with a hug and I love you. However, in my marriage, when I have done something wrong, I have to go by my partner’s timeline, which is much much slower than mine (weeks slower). But the more I love, the more I need to give time to heal once I have made my apology. 

Recap of how to apologize

• Be specific 
• Be empathic 
• Show Up and follow-through
• Reassure 

If you can follow these steps, you are on the path to healing from a disconnection. If you struggle to get reconnected, it could be because there are multiple other underlying emotions going on, and you or your partner can’t figure out how to share them. If that’s the case, go ahead and contact us today to see if one of our therapists can help you reconnect. 

Contact us today by calling or texting 702-518-1546, email,  or booking a session by hitting the appointment request button. We can normally get you into a session within 24 or 48 hours.

We offer both online therapy (learn more about online therapy here) and in-person therapy at our Las Vegas office. Our office is located in West Las Vegas right off the 95 & Rainbow. Our address is 222 S. Rainbow Boulevard | Suites 113-114 |Las Vegas NV 89145